ESSAY CONTEST RUNNER-UP
"Letting Go"
by Kirsten Brunner
When I became pregnant with my first child, I had no idea that I was embarking on the most intensive period of personal development I have ever experienced. Forget those expensive self-help seminars and books. My new baby became my guru, counselor and coach all wrapped up in one dimpled package.
Perhaps I should have guessed that major growth was coming my way when my acupuncturist shared some advice on giving birth naturally. She explained that most women reach a point in their labor when they feel like they might just die if they have to endure any more pain. This is an important part of the labor, she reasoned, because a part of you is dying. You are essentially being reborn as a mother, a parent… Hence, the excruciating pain serves as a signal to surrender completely to the labor, to let go of control and to give in to the natural process of life. My acupuncturist urged me to practice surrendering as I awaited the big day.
Gulp… How did she know that control was an issue for me? That I grew up in a chaotic, single-parent home? And that I learned to cope with the chaos by attempting to manipulate my environment, my appearance, my
everything?
"Surrender – Let go" became my silent mantra for the remainder of my pregnancy.
Predictably, my new theme song slipped my mind as I writhed in pain during my labor. But the significance of the event did not escape me; the birth of my son was an incredibly transformative experience. I had no clue, however, that Aidan’s birth was only the beginning of my "rebirth," and that my new baby boy would unwittingly encourage me to give up control in the weeks and months to come.
It began two weeks after his arrival. Aidan wasn't gaining weight, despite my zealous attempts to breastfeed him. Consequently, I had to swallow my pride… and seek some help.
When he was four weeks old and developed baby acne, cradle cap
and a splotchy rash, I confronted my own appearance-related insecurities.
And when Aidan was two and I had to lug him, bawling and flailing, out of the library when he wasn’t quite ready to leave, I let go of other people’s perceptions and judgments.
I let go of being on time, having stain-free clothing, getting a full night’s sleep, knowing all the answers…
I let go.
In the meantime, I realized that I was also surrendering and quietly letting down my walls.
Surrender to the jubilant hugs, slobbery kisses and uninhibited cuddling that only a little one can bestow. Surrender to the most pure, unadulterated and unwavering love I have ever given or received in my life.
Naturally, this is an ongoing journey for me. I still battle with various control issues. But as I prepare for my second baby to arrive, I have once again started chanting,
"Surrender - Let go." I’m looking forward to discovering what this little professor has to teach me!
OTHER RUNNERS-UP
Michelle Collins Anderson
Catherine Anderson
Maureen Murov
Judy Nugent
Kathleen Peters
Suzanne Scanlon
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